Syzlak’s SEM

This is shit

Posted on: January 16, 2008 by Syzlak Comments

This is shit

I love stupidity.  This company’s full of shit.

Ron Paul & Samuel Jackson v. the Web

Posted on: January 16, 2008 by Syzlak Comments

Ron Paul & Samuel Jackson v. the Web

Rebecca had a damn fine post over on SEOmoz about S.O.A.P. and Ron Paul, go check it out. Since we’re a bit more crass over here, I’ll say what everybody over on SEOmoz was thinking.

Enough is enough! I have had it with these mother fucking Ron Pauls on this mother fucking plane.

I don’t get

Posted on: January 16, 2008 by Syzlak Comments

I don’t get

Here’s one I don’t get. How come sometimes a site goes through a great period (month or more) of sales, with fine conversion numbers, and then the next week everything is gone. Traffic is still coming in, but no one’s buying…

MSN Tries to Educate Me …I Refuse

Posted on: January 15, 2008 by Syzlak Comments

All week I had waited for a package from Amazon. I had ordered the FLCL Ultimate Edition DVD box set, and was on pins and needles in anticipation for the day it would arrive. As it turned out, the package arrived the day after a very ominously thin package from MSN arrived…

Good heavens! What sort of magic could be in this wonderful box???? I mean shit. You’d have to have some sort of magic to make me more attractive to millions of shoppers. I’m a damn fine looking man. Don’t believe me? I can look good eating a cheeseburger.

So, what’s in this box?

Yep, a piece of Styrofoam and a small brochure. Aces!

Lord, really? So, what am I looking at, exactly? Apparently, a “Search Marketing Guide.” Usually, we put these sorts of things on the Web, but I suppose if you’re MSN, that’s just too difficult. Upon further inspection I learn that I’ll be getting tips from “Search Master Steve”

in order to make my business more attractive and “get the most out of adCenter”

Seriously, if anybody out there knows how to get the most out of nothing, please fill me and the rest of the fucking world in on your secret. Also, I find it very hard to believe that with all of Microsoft’s black helicopters, they weren’t able to figure out just how goddamned attractive I already am. Did you really think that Search Master Steve looks better than me? And while I have a minute, how did that guy master search? He can’t even master a comb.

Overheard in an ad exec meeting at MSN:
Ad Exec 1: We need to sell our adCenter product to search marketers that are already signed up with adCenter
Ad Exec 2: Get that guy who looks like the Verizon guy! Utility nerds are so handsome and unassuming!

So what other nuggets of wisdom are found in this manual?

Well, there’s the importance of spelling, and the ultra backasswards way that adCenter chooses to use keyword implementation.

Has anyone ever tried to use this? There’s no code for automatic capitalization as there is in Yahoo and Google and they allow you to have something like 3 parameters in addition to the keyword (for sales, shipping discounts, etc.) . While the parameters are a good idea and have come in handy once or twice, all of their codes are very cumbersome and most of us have our own tricks that are much faster than using MSN’s built in tools.

So what have we learned?

1. MSN does not research their market
2. MSN puts together really stupid booklets
3. I can remember to bring my camera to work, but consistently forget to stop drinking before eating cheeseburgers

Hey Guys! Let’s Lay Off Gene Marks

Posted on: January 11, 2008 by Syzlak Comments

So, I’m a little late. I missed that Gene Marks said small businesses don’t need a whole bunch of crazy tech solutions. That it’s easier to hold off until they have the wherewithal to pull it off. Thanks for filling me in SEOHack!

See I think we should lay off Gene. I know it’s easy for all us techies to get in a fervor when we hear someone attack our lifestyle of blade servers, integrated systems, FiOS, WiMax, SQL Databases and the like.

Wait, he said what? Small business doesn’t need Spam Filters, Virus Protection or Search Optimization? Oh yeah…

That guys a tard.

See, I was going to say that we shouldn’t pick on him because he’s a little slow and a poor writer.

And I’m also relieved to report that not only am I smarter than a fifth grader, I’m probably smarter than the 10 billion people watching that show.

Last time I checked there weren’t even 10 billion people in the world. Don’t believe me? You just need to ask my friend Loraine. She was hoping to count each individual on the planet in order to create the world’s first independent census. Luckily, I caught her just in time. I told her about the Web, and that this information could be gathered so much easier in a matter of just minutes. Where does she sit in ‘08? Smarter, safer and much less exhausted!

Go read an article from the aforementioned d-bag if you didn’t get the last paragraph.

So, Genie thinks that small businesses would be hindered by such things as spam filters and virus protection. I don’t think he realizes just how much spam one person can get in a day. Honestly, I’ve only ever worked for small businesses and I remember colleagues receiving over 1000 spam messages in a day. His suggestion is to simply force employees to deal with spam by themselves. Lord. In a 10 person company that’s at least a half a day lost every day. Maybe Genie hasn’t ever seen these levels of spam …maybe he should.

No need to have SEO, eh Genie? At this point you’re making Andy Keen look smart, especially since you refrain from claiming that being on the Web is useless too. Had you done that, I’d have said you’re short sighted, but I wouldn’t have said that you were an idiot. Now I’ve called you an idiot. Why? Why did you make me do that? See Genie, with any site that goes up on the Web, it’s a good idea for SEO to occur. By suggesting that companies refrain from employing SEO, you’re actually encouraging them to waste more money.

I can talk slower if that’s what you need.

If you don’t SEO a site from launch. Then you will essentially pay twice for it. Once when you use a stupid-ass Yahoo Merchant template, and once again when an SEO/Web Design firm comes along and has to fix your mistake.

And another thing–

oh, Steve Earle’s Guitar Town just came on. I’m not angry anymore, nor do I want to piss on Genie for the next hour. It’s 4pm at my office. That’s when we start drinking (seriously 4pm Friday drinking hour), so I’m gonna rock with Steve and have a Whiskey.

Happy Weekend to All. I got something in the mail from MSN…I smell a post for Monday.

Oh, and I have no idea why this picture is here…just enjoy it